The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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