There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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