I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
