my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
