sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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