You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Is it penis luge time yet?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
