he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
