I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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