peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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