I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
