maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
