***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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