Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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