Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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