So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
