glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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