What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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