i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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