I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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