I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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