a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
