even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
