So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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