Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
