God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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