I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
