So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
