i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
