We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
pop tarts are not kleenex
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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