Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
