Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
