I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
