Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
