I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
