I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
