remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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