im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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