I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
