I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
