The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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