My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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