Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
