I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
