I'm gonna have a badass scar
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
