brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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