One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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