I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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