At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
