Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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