Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
